I returned from organizing personal storytelling summit Open Secrets Live thrilled, and then sank into a huge creative slump that left me totally demoralized
Funny this popped up in my Notes feed whilst procrastinating, as I was berating myself for “not doing enough”. Never mind that I woke up at 6 am, I pitched an essay and revised one, did work for the job I am paid to do, finished a painting, and worked out. While adjusting to a new medication.
I have tears in my eyes because I felt every. Single. Word. . It’s difficult to explain to people how it feels to look so “successful” and then just feel like a failure at every turn. It’s probably the hardest thing about this disorder, and as much as I know my brain is great at being creative, the trade off for that is just brutal. It’s gotten better with medication, but it’s still a constant struggle.
Thank you for writing this, as I KNOW the RSD monster was probably behind you the whole time. ❤️ it doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom but i hate the “cheery” version of ADHD that gets clicks.
(And yes I had to read it immediately bc if not I would forget, and had to comment now, same reason 😂)
Thank you! I'm both glad to know I'm not alone and sorry that someone else would feel this so precisely. It's one of those things that I feel like I should be able to rationalize my way out of, but of course it's not that easy.
And funnily enough, I don't actually think I have RSD. I don't like rejection but from everything I've read I don't feel like I fit with RSD exactly but maybe something close to it. At least we aren't alone in the struggle! And I do think it's important to at least acknowledge our success as they happen (and even if they don't look like success to the outside world - sometimes for me "success" is sending an email I've been procrastinating on), even if we still feel like failures.
There are so many things I'd love to say here, but I'll just say, I understand. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Please keep in mind that doing all the prep work probably tired you out and stressed you out over a longer period of time (even if you felt excited). This has a profoundly negative impact on our brain, for neurotypicals and neurodivergents alike. Our brain is tired, so it defaults to black-and-white thinking, which happens to be the path of least resistance for many of us because of the thousands of shitty messages we received growing up. It also fucks with our willpower. Not sure if this helps at all, but I hope it does 🙏
This article so eloquently put into words what I’ve been struggling to understand for months! Your words brought me to tears because I finally feel seen and understood in a way I couldn’t articulate or even comprehend. Dreaming used to feel so invigorating and exciting; now it feels like an exhaustive to-do list that I don’t feel capable of even making. I know I’m not depressed because I know what that feels like for me, but I am in a state of functional freeze deeper than I’ve never experienced before, so the way out is going to require something I’ve never done before. There are still markers of outward success and just basic stability that I haven’t achieved (and very much would like to) but the standard is my own to set; thanks for giving me hope.
I'm glad it was relatable, even though I'm also sorry it's relatable. I hope you can get to that invigorating and exciting side of dreaming, at least some of the time.
Thanks for this, and for the shout out — I am so happy to hear my book helped. I remember those days of being a stay at home parent to a newly mobile kid!! It’s exhausting, mentally and physically. You are doing, and accomplishing, so much. I hope the coming days, weeks, months brings kindness and some opportunity to rest, as well as an openness to when the creative urge strikes, as I’m sure it will. I’m rooting for you!!! ❤️
As the mom of a kid with ADHD, I just want to reach out and say that the challenges of ADHD are real and sometimes so very difficult. I hope that today is a better day and that you are able to find a way to be kind to yourself as you navigate this tough slump.
I've heard so often about the post-publication slump and I can only imagine that the post-event slump is similar. It is hard to sustain the internal momentum for creative work under even the best of circumstances, and there are so many forces (not the last of which is a newly crawling baby!) that make it even harder. Thank you for writing this and putting it out in the world. And know that I am here for a pep talk to counter those darker voices whenever you need. <3
Thank you, Iris. That means a lot, and I'm finally back in a more positive space where I can get things done without feeling like I have to get everything done immediately.
Trying to do anything that requires focus when you're taking care of a baby or toddler is extremely challenging! Even without ADHD, you have to force yourself to work at whatever moment your child happens to fall asleep, which is also the time you have available to take care of every other responsibility, and probably is not the moment when you're feeling focused and inspired. And you have to be prepared to stop working immediately as soon as they wake up. That was my experience anyway, and I suspect you're going through something similar. Use your teams to help you through it (your writing/editing team and your child care team), and take care of yourself ❤.
Definitely, and then there seems to always be a child-related task or project or plan to work on in any downtime (admittedly, many of those are created by me, but still). I'm trying to better balance baby/creativity/downtime so I don't get burned out.
You are amazing. Thank you for publishing this beautiful and insightful piece. one thing I am learning with my brain surgery recovery is that when you are tired, it's not a sign that you suck or are failing but that you need to rest. It seems so obvious when I say it like that but I needed to have it explained to me by medical professionals over and over and over.
You are very right and I'm glad medical professionals told you in a way I hope was kind (sometimes I think doctors give patients unrealistic advice around things like rest which may not be practical in day-to-day life). I so often find it hard to truly rest because my mind wants to keep spitting out ideas or things I "should" be doing but lately I've been making sure I take some time to truly decompress at night and that's been helpful and I think also helps me sleep and wake up feeling more creative. Not an easy thing, but baby steps.
Oh lord - this is like reading the inside of my brain! I've never been able to celebrate a success for more than a day or two, because inevitably my brain turns it into, "Why aren't you capitalizing on this? Look how far you HAVEN'T gotten on your next big project!" Etc., etc., etc.
I've always felt like I was really smart and very capable, but too stupid to do anything with it. And that feeling follows me on a daily basis. The emails, the social media posts, the request for a testimonial from a client who loved working with me - all of it feels impossible. Then I convince myself that they don't really like me and nobody really cares anyway, which then spins. Good lord, the spinning!
Thanks for sharing your version. It helps to remember I'm not the only one who is high achieving and low functioning at the same time.
I so, so hear you. For me, I often have grandiose ideas and ambitions and often follow through on them, but the smaller things trip me up and truly feel impossible. If I find the episode of ADHD for Smart Ass Women I'm thinking of where they discuss the "What's next?" problem I will share the link. It made me feel very validated in not being sure what's next, even though, as a planner, I love nothing more than having a clear path forward.
I also think, if you're going to have this issue and be low functioning in certain areas, at least we can recognize that we have achieved things, right? Even though sometimes my brain tells me those achievements don't matter, when I can step back and look at them, I can feel proud of them (even if I still have no idea what to do after them). Solidarity from me!
I'm so glad it was helpful. Sometimes I wonder if it's unprofessional to share these kinds of stories, and then I think, f that, there's no point in trying to put a glossy spin on my life if that doesn't feel real to me.
Reading this made me feel like I did immediately following my last book launch, which was poorly attended and sent me into months of really deep depression. You are not alone!
Thank you, Dianne. I did take a little time and that helped. Sometimes I forget that all the expectations I place upon myself are just in my head, and nobody else really cares what pace I'm working.
Little update from a much more optimistic me: As of the evening of August 15, Open Secrets is at #20 on the Rising in Literature category here on Substack. Yes, of course I know life is not all about external validation, but it still feels good to see the work I'm doing here recognized and know we're reaching new readers.
Funny this popped up in my Notes feed whilst procrastinating, as I was berating myself for “not doing enough”. Never mind that I woke up at 6 am, I pitched an essay and revised one, did work for the job I am paid to do, finished a painting, and worked out. While adjusting to a new medication.
I have tears in my eyes because I felt every. Single. Word. . It’s difficult to explain to people how it feels to look so “successful” and then just feel like a failure at every turn. It’s probably the hardest thing about this disorder, and as much as I know my brain is great at being creative, the trade off for that is just brutal. It’s gotten better with medication, but it’s still a constant struggle.
Thank you for writing this, as I KNOW the RSD monster was probably behind you the whole time. ❤️ it doesn’t all have to be doom and gloom but i hate the “cheery” version of ADHD that gets clicks.
(And yes I had to read it immediately bc if not I would forget, and had to comment now, same reason 😂)
Thank you! I'm both glad to know I'm not alone and sorry that someone else would feel this so precisely. It's one of those things that I feel like I should be able to rationalize my way out of, but of course it's not that easy.
And funnily enough, I don't actually think I have RSD. I don't like rejection but from everything I've read I don't feel like I fit with RSD exactly but maybe something close to it. At least we aren't alone in the struggle! And I do think it's important to at least acknowledge our success as they happen (and even if they don't look like success to the outside world - sometimes for me "success" is sending an email I've been procrastinating on), even if we still feel like failures.
There are so many things I'd love to say here, but I'll just say, I understand. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Please keep in mind that doing all the prep work probably tired you out and stressed you out over a longer period of time (even if you felt excited). This has a profoundly negative impact on our brain, for neurotypicals and neurodivergents alike. Our brain is tired, so it defaults to black-and-white thinking, which happens to be the path of least resistance for many of us because of the thousands of shitty messages we received growing up. It also fucks with our willpower. Not sure if this helps at all, but I hope it does 🙏
Thank you. It does help!
Great 😊
This article so eloquently put into words what I’ve been struggling to understand for months! Your words brought me to tears because I finally feel seen and understood in a way I couldn’t articulate or even comprehend. Dreaming used to feel so invigorating and exciting; now it feels like an exhaustive to-do list that I don’t feel capable of even making. I know I’m not depressed because I know what that feels like for me, but I am in a state of functional freeze deeper than I’ve never experienced before, so the way out is going to require something I’ve never done before. There are still markers of outward success and just basic stability that I haven’t achieved (and very much would like to) but the standard is my own to set; thanks for giving me hope.
I'm glad it was relatable, even though I'm also sorry it's relatable. I hope you can get to that invigorating and exciting side of dreaming, at least some of the time.
Thanks for this, and for the shout out — I am so happy to hear my book helped. I remember those days of being a stay at home parent to a newly mobile kid!! It’s exhausting, mentally and physically. You are doing, and accomplishing, so much. I hope the coming days, weeks, months brings kindness and some opportunity to rest, as well as an openness to when the creative urge strikes, as I’m sure it will. I’m rooting for you!!! ❤️
Thank you, Brian!
As the mom of a kid with ADHD, I just want to reach out and say that the challenges of ADHD are real and sometimes so very difficult. I hope that today is a better day and that you are able to find a way to be kind to yourself as you navigate this tough slump.
Thank you, I appreciate that a lot.
I've heard so often about the post-publication slump and I can only imagine that the post-event slump is similar. It is hard to sustain the internal momentum for creative work under even the best of circumstances, and there are so many forces (not the last of which is a newly crawling baby!) that make it even harder. Thank you for writing this and putting it out in the world. And know that I am here for a pep talk to counter those darker voices whenever you need. <3
Thank you, Iris. That means a lot, and I'm finally back in a more positive space where I can get things done without feeling like I have to get everything done immediately.
Trying to do anything that requires focus when you're taking care of a baby or toddler is extremely challenging! Even without ADHD, you have to force yourself to work at whatever moment your child happens to fall asleep, which is also the time you have available to take care of every other responsibility, and probably is not the moment when you're feeling focused and inspired. And you have to be prepared to stop working immediately as soon as they wake up. That was my experience anyway, and I suspect you're going through something similar. Use your teams to help you through it (your writing/editing team and your child care team), and take care of yourself ❤.
Definitely, and then there seems to always be a child-related task or project or plan to work on in any downtime (admittedly, many of those are created by me, but still). I'm trying to better balance baby/creativity/downtime so I don't get burned out.
You are amazing. Thank you for publishing this beautiful and insightful piece. one thing I am learning with my brain surgery recovery is that when you are tired, it's not a sign that you suck or are failing but that you need to rest. It seems so obvious when I say it like that but I needed to have it explained to me by medical professionals over and over and over.
You are very right and I'm glad medical professionals told you in a way I hope was kind (sometimes I think doctors give patients unrealistic advice around things like rest which may not be practical in day-to-day life). I so often find it hard to truly rest because my mind wants to keep spitting out ideas or things I "should" be doing but lately I've been making sure I take some time to truly decompress at night and that's been helpful and I think also helps me sleep and wake up feeling more creative. Not an easy thing, but baby steps.
Oh lord - this is like reading the inside of my brain! I've never been able to celebrate a success for more than a day or two, because inevitably my brain turns it into, "Why aren't you capitalizing on this? Look how far you HAVEN'T gotten on your next big project!" Etc., etc., etc.
I've always felt like I was really smart and very capable, but too stupid to do anything with it. And that feeling follows me on a daily basis. The emails, the social media posts, the request for a testimonial from a client who loved working with me - all of it feels impossible. Then I convince myself that they don't really like me and nobody really cares anyway, which then spins. Good lord, the spinning!
Thanks for sharing your version. It helps to remember I'm not the only one who is high achieving and low functioning at the same time.
I so, so hear you. For me, I often have grandiose ideas and ambitions and often follow through on them, but the smaller things trip me up and truly feel impossible. If I find the episode of ADHD for Smart Ass Women I'm thinking of where they discuss the "What's next?" problem I will share the link. It made me feel very validated in not being sure what's next, even though, as a planner, I love nothing more than having a clear path forward.
I also think, if you're going to have this issue and be low functioning in certain areas, at least we can recognize that we have achieved things, right? Even though sometimes my brain tells me those achievements don't matter, when I can step back and look at them, I can feel proud of them (even if I still have no idea what to do after them). Solidarity from me!
As someone that is Audhd I found this incredibly helpful and relatable. Thank you so much for sharing your view. ❤️
I'm so glad it was helpful. Sometimes I wonder if it's unprofessional to share these kinds of stories, and then I think, f that, there's no point in trying to put a glossy spin on my life if that doesn't feel real to me.
Reading this made me feel like I did immediately following my last book launch, which was poorly attended and sent me into months of really deep depression. You are not alone!
Thanks and I'm sorry you went through that, and hope you're on the other end, or close.
Stop, take some deep breaths, listen to your favorite music.
You recently accomplished a monumental task, something very few people can claim. Relish in that. Give yourself permission to take a break.
Remember how you helped me, a complete stranger.
You are awesome. Continue with reading positive statements.
I'm sending you positive vibes....YOU CAN DO IT! Whatever it is.
Thank you, Dianne. I did take a little time and that helped. Sometimes I forget that all the expectations I place upon myself are just in my head, and nobody else really cares what pace I'm working.
Little update from a much more optimistic me: As of the evening of August 15, Open Secrets is at #20 on the Rising in Literature category here on Substack. Yes, of course I know life is not all about external validation, but it still feels good to see the work I'm doing here recognized and know we're reaching new readers.