Dear Daddy Advice Column, December 2024: Finding a Job That Pays Decently, Taking Care of Aging Parents, and When to Walk Away from a Friendship

Open Secrets Magazine's advice columnist on finding work within capitalism, handling aging family members' demands, and figuring out which friendshpis are worth keeping

Welcome to the December installment of Dear Daddy, Open Secrets Magazine’s monthly advice column. You can find more about the column’s mission statement here. This month Daddy is giving advice about finding jobs for money vs. jobs for passion, dealing with stubborn aging parents, and how to navigate friendships when your lives and interests have drifted part. Submit your questions at deardaddyopensecrets@gmail.com.

Dear Daddy,

So I am applying to certain work opportunities right now, and I only just realized that I probably won't be getting those jobs since they want experienced folks. And for the jobs I will get, the pay is going to be trash. I need to get started somewhere, right? But the thing is: I really need money? So, do I persist and try harder for the gigs I might not get, or take the one I'm getting, or something else?

—S

Let’s look at this from 10,000 feet, first: Always aim for the top and work your way down, because the worst thing anyone can do is say no.

It’s just a word. No. It might sting a little in the moment, but then you move on. It is always worth shooting your shot.

Now, to drill down a little more into specifics…

Capitalism sure does suck. It wants you to have experience, but makes that experience impossible to get. Unless have a trust fund to get you through years of scut work and low wages, the road is not going to be an easy one. It will be paved in ramen packets.

The other thing capitalism does—and this is important—is it has convinced us that we owe something to our employers. And we don’t. Not under the system we have. I’m not saying it’s every person for themselves… but I am also saying that, too.

My suggestion to you is: get yourself a job that’s going to let you support yourself even if it sucks (Job A), and keep applying to those big, dream jobs (Job B).

Build your experience AND keep your options open.

If you take Job A this week, and Job B comes along next week… resign A and take B. Don’t give up a good opportunity just because some middle-manager is upset that he can’t cover a schedule. Don’t let him guilt you like a disappointed parent. He’s not your dad. Fuck him.

Forge your own path. That’s what every single asshole sitting in a C-suite would advise you to do—up until the moment that it makes their life a little uncomfortable, and then they’re going to tell you to do what you’re told.

We don’t have to do what we’re told. Not by them, at least.

Dear Daddy,

I'm in my forties and my parents are in their seventies. They've always been very independent but are starting to need my help with more and more household tasks. We live four hours apart, and I usually visit them once a month. I don't mind, but they are very stubborn about accepting help and sometimes seem to resent me when I offer or insist on doing things for them. How can I help them feel in control of their lives while also making sure they don't burn down their house and have enough food in the fridge and get to their doctors’ appointments?

—R

I’m lucky, in the sense that I have a pretty good relationship with my parents. Going home for the holidays is easy: besides the fact that they live nearby, I actually like them.

And still, there are things I struggle to talk to them about.

I think it’s because, even though me and my father are the same height, I always picture him in my head as taller. It’s hard to take on that caretaker role with people who were meant to take care of us. Just as I imagine it’s difficult for a parent to surrender any level of autonomy to their children.

Know that it’s going to be hard, no matter what.

Something stuck out in your letter, which I think is worth unpacking: you said that you want to make sure they don’t burn the house down. Have they burned a previous house down? Are they that hopeless?

Or are you like me—are you a micromanager? Do you get consumed by the idea that only you can be trusted to perform certain tasks? This isn’t any kind of criticism. I’m a natural caretaker, but sometimes I take it too far, and I forget that other people can do things, too.

People can be empowered to make their own choices, but I burn myself out, trying to do everything for everyone.

Notice my word choice there: empower.

Recently, when confronted with situations where I’ve felt the need to take on too much, I asked myself if there’s a learning opportunity there. Can I give a person the information and tools they need to complete the task at hand, and then move on to something else?

It won’t absolve me of responsibility if something goes sideways, in the sense that I’m still going to be hard on myself if it does. But I know, for my own mental health, I have to stop fishing for people, and instead, teach them how to fish.

They can decide if they’re up to the task.

And if it’s clear they’re not, then you need to step in and say, with a clear voice, that they need your help, and they need to accept that, because you love them, and want what’s best for them. Remind yourself that you are now taller than them, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

Hopefully, they listen.

Dear Daddy,

Ever since I became a parent three years ago, most of my friends have been incredibly supportive, whether or not they have kids. But two of my friends have barely expressed any interest in my son, and only nominal interest in me. I don't know if it's because we used to always go out together and they thought of me more as a party friend than a deep talk type of friend, but it's hard for me to find closure. I find myself still reaching out over and over even though the responses I get are usually brief and they never reach out to me.

—K

The other day I picked up my daughter from school. She was bereft—apparently one friend was in a fight with another friend and this was causing a rift in their little circle. It was a lot of drama that was nearly impossible to follow, and for the first time I felt out of my depth as a parent. In part, because girls can be mean. You should have heard some of the shit they were saying. And they’re only in grade school!

I asked my daughter if she could guess how many people I was still friends with from grade school. She was surprised when I told her “zero.”

Unrelated, but a little related: when I got divorced I lost a very good friend. We had been ride-or-die since college. But I had an affair, which no doubt soured her opinion of me. I don’t blame her—it soured my own opinion of me.

Her and my ex-wife are still friends. I have recurring dreams where we run into each other, and we talk about it, or try to. I wake up, wondering if I should call her. I don’t. She doesn’t call me.

One day we’re going to run into each other, and I wonder what it’ll be like. Maybe we can talk our way through our feelings. Maybe we can’t and that door is closed.

I’ve come to accept that. It’s sad. But just as my marriage ended because me and my ex grew apart (and because I was a dumbass), it happens with friendships too.

Friendships don’t really work if you have to force it.

It’s always sad when something ends. But maybe your friendships with these people have ended. Maybe you’re not compatible anymore. I’m sorry for your loss. Take a little time to mourn.

But understand, too, that the best kind of closure is to forgive yourself, love yourself, and move on, thankful for the time you had together. Then go put your time and love and energy into the people who return your calls.

Have a life or work quandary you’re not sure how to handle? Email advice columnist Daddy at deardaddyopensecrets@gmail.com for consideration for future columns.