I’m A Professional Tarot Reader Who Thinks “Twin Flames” Need to Be Snuffed Out

Why fiery catch-phrases don’t fix relationships

Photo by Klara Kulikova on Unsplash

I’m sure you’ve seen them as you’re scrolling along through your social media: the person brandishing a deck of cards who pops up on your feed and says that they have a very important message for you.

Hello! I’m one of them.

I’m a claircognizant psychic (meaning clear-knowing, or possessing an ability to know things beyond what is visibly shown) and spiritual educator who has been reading tarot for more than thirty years. I am also the founder of TAROT CHURCH, a movement that works to destigmatize false preconceptions of the tarot through education and empowerment. It’s an absolute gift to be able to connect with my community every day, and to help my clients navigate their life journeys from a spiritual context in order to build a deeper understanding of their relationships through innerstanding, personal path alignment, and intentional action.

I have a podcast and host a daily live show on social media where I address the energy cycles we are experiencing both in and out of relationship, within the context of the self and between others. I also read for my clients live on my broadcasts, and yes, that does include the occasional love reading. But there is one subject I will absolutely not read for, even when asked: the notorious phenomenon colloquially referred to as “twin flames.”

Twin flame is a term that was first introduced in 1999 by the controversial spiritual-leader-turned-doomsday-forecaster Elizabeth Clare Prophet, and took the online spiritual space by storm a little over a decade ago. It’s frequently used to describe an intense energetic connection with another individual that’s often characterized as possessing supernatural qualities beyond the normal faculties of a human relationship, and heralded with lofty designations by those who romanticize them as being preordained or written in the stars.

Those in twin flame unions will often describe a surreal, mind-altering connection they maintain to “their person,” a bond so intense it can border on telepathic. The one unifying characteristic I have found in working with clients describing twin flame connections is that the individuals in question are never in a stable relationship in tangible reality, but they can feel the energetic presence of their person; I have had clients describe strange, surreal occurrences that defy logical explanation, or messages that are being transmitted to them by way of signs and synchronicities. There are entire areas of the internet dedicated to unpacking these tumultuous connections, or sharing stories of the trials and tribulations of being in such a strange, star-crossed love affair.

I have worked with clients in the throes of being rocked by these volatile relationships for years. And I have individuals who come to me daily asking me to give them readings to clarify if a particular individual is their twin flame, or asking me if they will meet theirs in the near future.

I summarily shut them down.

This is why: I personally believe the designation of a relationship as “twin flame” is at best parasympathetically distressing, and at worst, romanticizing and encouraging cruel and negligent partnership dynamics.

As someone who has been reading tarot for over three decades, I can say with absolute confidence that never once has a client come to me describing a twin flame relationship that was in any way healthy, supportive, or loving. In many cases, when the flowery language is removed and the relationship is actually described, it is revealed to display dynamics that are toxic, abusive, controlling, and sometimes, downright dangerous.

A healthy relationship is built upon shared manifestation goals, clarity of intention, consistent energetic exchange, and open communication.

But in almost every circumstance I have ever had a client describe their twin flame relationship to me, it is anything but that.

Invariably, the individuals are in some form of separation (unbalanced energetic exchange), seeking support because they cannot have a conversation with the individual in question (poor communication), any attempt to seek clarity from their person is rebuffed or ignored (lack of clear intention), and conversations about the direction a relationship is headed are met with hostility, reticence, ambiguity, or silence (unmatched manifestation goals).

There was a client I worked with years ago, who we will call Andi. Andi had been in an on-again-off-again relationship with Max for almost six years, a constant cycle of coming together and breaking up, marked by emotional reunions and volatile separations. Incredible sex and passionate confessions, but no clear direction beyond the present moment. As soon as Andi brought up conversations about the future, Max would grow irritable and distant. Max’s distance would immediately trigger Andi, who recognizing the cycle, would once again end the relationship. Months would go by, and Andi would try to move on and build connections with new partners, but all the while, hoping that Max would return. Just as Andi would start to invest in a connection with someone new, Max would come back; the cycle would begin anew.

Whenever I have to read for individuals in these circumstances, as an empath I am viscerally barraged with the pain that they’re experiencing. Another individual has them in a state of spiritual or psychological torment. Often these relationships are extremely sexually charged, and the confusion, distress, and vulnerability create a very potent cocktail of emotions that are being expressed to me as unrequited love—but seem much more akin to a trauma bond.

Stockholm syndrome is a psychological coping mechanism identified by Nils Bejerot in 1973, after a bank robbery in Sweden wherein hostages rallied to the support of the same assailants who had kept them at gunpoint. When in traumatic experiences, our body’s prime directive is to do whatever is necessary to perpetuate emotional survival of the self. This is often why it’s so difficult for those in abusive relationships to disengage and break away from those perpetrating harm. From the perspective of the unconscious mind, if one cannot escape an oppressor, the next best circumstance is to ingratiate oneself upon them, and this is why in traumatic situations the sympathetic nervous system begins to actually work against you, to make you love the thing that’s hurting you, in a desperate attempt to survive.

Andi first came to me asking if Max was their twin flame. Andi had been reading on the internet about them, and everything they’d found felt aligned to what they were experiencing in their connection. During their moments of separation, Andi would feel Max’s presence around them at times, to the point of smelling their scent in the air. They would arrive at events, and have an intuitive feeling that Max was there, only to learn they had been there just a short time before or after. Songs would come across the radio that almost seemed synchronized in answer to the thoughts they were having about Max. They believed that Max was their twin flame, and were absolutely distraught, fearing they were going to lose the person that they were meant to be with. They were desperate to understand what they were doing wrong, and worried that by not doing everything in their power to heal the relationship, they were effectively destroying their one and only possibility for true love.

Confusing situations create trauma, and frequently, limerence forms in the wake of that trauma. Limerence is a term first coined by Dr. Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love (Scarborough House Publishers, 1979). Tennov describes a third type of love, beyond romantic love and erotic desire: an uncanny pull toward another, bordering on obsession, that is frequently formed in unstable or unrequited relationship dynamics.

As someone who works in a spiritual space, my ethical duty is to work in support of what is in the best interest and highest good for my clients. And there is absolutely no context wherein giving an abusive, confusing relationship a desirable, romantic nom de plume is ever going to be something I condone or ascribe to.

Going further, the idea of a twin flame union feeds into the false narrative of a soulmate or “the one.” The concept that there is only a single individual who is made for us and that we must find this person or be doomed to a lifetime of loneliness and isolation fuels an almost hysteric approach to partnership. We meet people where we are at: spiritually, physically, and mentally. Our relationships change and shift and evolve as we do, creating a rich tapestry of varying but vital connections that make for a fulfilling life.

The idea that another is meant only for us creates unreasonable demands on a single person to fulfill all of our needs, and perpetuates possessive, unhealthy, codependent behavior. It also negates autonomy: to insist someone is ours—completely ignorant of their desires or choice in the matter—is barbaric and primitive, and fails to recognize that shared intention and mutual choice are the foundation of a healthy, strong, supportive partnership.

This “treasure hunt” mindset in relation to partnership has resulted in devastating consequences for the lovesick, often perpetuated by those who take advantage of another person’s desperation for their own ends. This is best exemplified in the documentary Desperately Seeking Soulmate: Escaping Twin Flame Universe (Netflix, 2023) that explores the Twin Flame Universe cult run by Jeff and Shaleia Divine.

The series deep-dives into personal accounts from former cult members who were originally drawn to the Divines due to the couples’ claims of being able to recognize and verify the twin flames of others. They encouraged members to seek out and remain in unhealthy partnerships to promote the organization’s touted success rates, and encouraged members to perpetuate unwanted advances toward their infatuations to such a degree that one member was incarcerated on stalking and harassment charges.

Our capacity to love is directly proportional to our ability to heal. Rejection, in any context, is a painful, traumatizing experience. As a spiritual guide and educator, I make it my mission to help my clients better understand the energetic nature and subtext of a difficult relationship, to clarify the source and nature of the wound, and by extension, come to understand themselves and their spiritual and emotional needs on a deeper level in the process. We work together to help ascertain if there is viability in maintaining a connection, whether the work needed is internal or external, what can be done to achieve better union, and in some cases, work toward moving away from unhealthy or toxic relationship dynamics, in order to begin the long process of healing.

I worked with Andi for over a year to integrate the work of healing from their relationship with Max. It was not easy: Andi set boundaries, and Max assumed that those boundaries were only gestures. Once Max discovered that Andi was truly no longer available for partnership under the conditions they had grown accustomed to, Max tried to appeal to Andi with communication that vacillated between emotional pleas and volatile outbursts, trying to have Andi admit that they no longer had feelings for them.

I helped Andi recognize that healing doesn’t require us to stop feeling love for those we must let go of, and helped them identify ways to carry that love forward in a way that recognized the unhealthy nature of karmic cycle on their own person, in order to break free of it. Andi let go of the twin flame narrative that made them afraid to sever the connection, and began the hard work of healing from a painful and emotionally draining relationship from someone who ultimately didn’t want the same things as them.

Names have power. When we give things names, it becomes easy to sanitize mania, to diminish the significance of what is personally occurring for what is socially trending. When we collectively choose to throw around the term “twin flame” and see it as some sort of enviable cross to be carried instead of a concerning distress call, we are tacitly agreeing as a society that love must be a pain to be endured instead of a profound miracle to be shared.

I’m saying this as someone who has navigated these rough waters in my own life. As someone who is a healer, I have learned that it is a natural consequence that I can attract partners who are in desperate need of deep emotional healing. Empaths in particular are very susceptible to volatile relationship dynamics, as our ability to recognize and feel the internal turmoil that is the source of another’s cruelty often leads to a desire to try to endure suffering in order to help another find the personal strength to overcome their own trauma. This unfortunately has the opposite effect: to endure bad treatment only solidifies the maltreatment. It rewards bad with good. In my role as mentor to other burgeoning healers, I help those with gifts understand the necessary significance of creating strong, clear energetic boundaries, and reinforce that their gifts do not obligate them to endure bad treatment. We are not each other’s salvation; but rather, we work to heal ourselves for one another.

I’m not saying there aren’t some emotional and spiritual connections we share with others that defy the context of logical description. Through my work channeling messages from spirit, I have seen the tangible evidence of love that permeates beyond the span of our lives, and energetic relationships that have bridged across lifetimes. Love can move mountains, and our collective desire to shape a better world in the face of perpetual adversity is evidence every day of the power of our unified desire, made manifest.

But, for the benefit of society as a whole, I think the term “twin flame” is one we would be better to extinguish entirely. While it may make for a good movie or a steamy novel, a conscious, intentional love isn’t a game of tug of war: it’s a walk we take together. It’s not a fire that utterly consumes us, it’s a campfire that sustains us. It’s not something we feel trapped within, it’s something we feel embraced by.

And the first step in the direction of moving toward mature, conscious coupling is to move away from romanticizing the pain we experience when we feel a desire for one another, but want different things from each other. This is how we heal, together.

Cyn Grace Sylvie (She/They) is a queer-identified writer, poet, tarot reader and spiritual educator, based in Jersey City, New Jersey. In their work in the spiritual space, they are known as The Grey Strega, and host the Divine Energy Update podcast that airs live on social media daily. They are also the founder of TAROT CHURCH, a movement and educational class program whose aim is to destigmatize and educate upon the intersectionality of tarot across any and all faith practices. You can tune in to their live broadcasts daily across TikTok, YouTube and Instagram, and learn more about TAROT CHURCH on their Substack, greystrega.substack.com.