This reminds me of something my mother taught me probably when I was around 14 or 15. In preparation, she said when a boy asks you are insists on making love or having intercourse with you and he says “if you loved me you would” snd your response should be “if you loved me you wouldn’t ask.”
That actually came in handy twice. And remember her guide was for a teenage girl.
I carry trauma from a similar situation, Ainsley. In my case, I said I wasn’t ready and he dumped me. At least back then, we knew what we didn’t want and said so. The hard part was to be told we weren’t worth waiting for.
I needed to read this essay in this particular moment of my life, so thank you. You wrote the words I needed reflected back at me. I have always felt this about American Pie, but I thought I was alone in that assessment of the movie. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to know someone else feels the same way about that movie! My husband tried to show that movie to our teenage daughters, stating that it was a classic. I explained my feelings about it, but then felt guilty afterwards. I really need to trust myself and my instincts more often. I have so much unlearning to do. Keep writing! I love the way your mind works. This meant so much to me.
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in this experience. And, by the way, not just Millennials. This is how girls/women have been conditioned for generations. So glad you were able to find a man who is different and open to considering what you want and need.
I know that old conflict well, the “be too easy you're a slut, be too slow you're a prude.”
My dad told me when I was about to enter the service that I just needed to be true to myself. I don't have to become either. I wish I would have held out longer because of course, I did many things I wish I could take back. Luckily the damage wasn't permanent. I've been married to my kind, generous, understanding husband for 40+ years.
Thank you for writing this, as it put to words my own experience that I’ve been too scared to say. My most serious high school boyfriend pressured me into a lot of unwanted sexual situations that I still carry the damage of going into my thirties.
I think so many women (all women?) will find themselves able to relate to your essay. As a fellow mid-forty year old woman, it has taken me this long to realize I often don't know why I am saying yes to most things (in general, not just sex stuff ha), if it is because I want to do something or because I feel like I have to to make someone else happy. The realization that this has dominated so much of my life is a little mind blowing and a little depressing. I hope my daughter will feel more confident in herself and the value of the things she wants for herself.
Millennial women like myself were completely mind-fucked by the media and culture of the 90s and early aughts: We were instructed to look and act sexy but also remain virginal. Don’t be a frigid bitch and don’t be a cock-tease, but if you have sex, or too much sex, or if you seem to like sex too much, then you’re a dirty slut who deserves to be shamed.
Wow! What a great piece. I can relate. So true, what you are saying, we were sent so many mixed messages, even in the secular world. Either you're a "prude" or frigid or a "cock-tease" or you're a slut. And its hard in adolescence because you're old enough to be romantic, but not really old enough for an adult relationship.
I ended up in a similar relationship. A guy who wanted intimacy that I wasn't willing to give. In some ways, I can see how I was right to say no. But in other ways, the situation showed my own difficulty with reciprocating in relationships. I had also been through alot of trauma already in my life and was afraid of intimacy.
This reminds me of something my mother taught me probably when I was around 14 or 15. In preparation, she said when a boy asks you are insists on making love or having intercourse with you and he says “if you loved me you would” snd your response should be “if you loved me you wouldn’t ask.”
That actually came in handy twice. And remember her guide was for a teenage girl.
I carry trauma from a similar situation, Ainsley. In my case, I said I wasn’t ready and he dumped me. At least back then, we knew what we didn’t want and said so. The hard part was to be told we weren’t worth waiting for.
Yeah. At least we knew what we didn't want. That's a good way to put it.
I needed to read this essay in this particular moment of my life, so thank you. You wrote the words I needed reflected back at me. I have always felt this about American Pie, but I thought I was alone in that assessment of the movie. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to know someone else feels the same way about that movie! My husband tried to show that movie to our teenage daughters, stating that it was a classic. I explained my feelings about it, but then felt guilty afterwards. I really need to trust myself and my instincts more often. I have so much unlearning to do. Keep writing! I love the way your mind works. This meant so much to me.
Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in this experience. And, by the way, not just Millennials. This is how girls/women have been conditioned for generations. So glad you were able to find a man who is different and open to considering what you want and need.
I know that old conflict well, the “be too easy you're a slut, be too slow you're a prude.”
My dad told me when I was about to enter the service that I just needed to be true to myself. I don't have to become either. I wish I would have held out longer because of course, I did many things I wish I could take back. Luckily the damage wasn't permanent. I've been married to my kind, generous, understanding husband for 40+ years.
Thank you for writing this, as it put to words my own experience that I’ve been too scared to say. My most serious high school boyfriend pressured me into a lot of unwanted sexual situations that I still carry the damage of going into my thirties.
I think so many women (all women?) will find themselves able to relate to your essay. As a fellow mid-forty year old woman, it has taken me this long to realize I often don't know why I am saying yes to most things (in general, not just sex stuff ha), if it is because I want to do something or because I feel like I have to to make someone else happy. The realization that this has dominated so much of my life is a little mind blowing and a little depressing. I hope my daughter will feel more confident in herself and the value of the things she wants for herself.
Millennial women like myself were completely mind-fucked by the media and culture of the 90s and early aughts: We were instructed to look and act sexy but also remain virginal. Don’t be a frigid bitch and don’t be a cock-tease, but if you have sex, or too much sex, or if you seem to like sex too much, then you’re a dirty slut who deserves to be shamed.
THIS THIS THIS
yes that is very accurate.
As opposed to the Purity Culture from which many others are recovering.
Wow! Awesomely written, well-reflected piece. I am saving this for reference on how to write well.
Men, Men,Men, it is all about men. Except it’s not!
So relatable and well-told. Thank you for sharing it.
Wow! What a great piece. I can relate. So true, what you are saying, we were sent so many mixed messages, even in the secular world. Either you're a "prude" or frigid or a "cock-tease" or you're a slut. And its hard in adolescence because you're old enough to be romantic, but not really old enough for an adult relationship.
I ended up in a similar relationship. A guy who wanted intimacy that I wasn't willing to give. In some ways, I can see how I was right to say no. But in other ways, the situation showed my own difficulty with reciprocating in relationships. I had also been through alot of trauma already in my life and was afraid of intimacy.
Love this. Thanks for sharing.
Totally understand that whole not knowing what you want because you've always pleased others.
Though lovely that you've got one of those rare men who will support you as you figure it out
Love this.