Interesting but supremely irritating. And familiar. I'm a woman, an old woman, still remembering how long it took me to rebel against relationships with men who were, as we used to say, "takers." I never had an orgasm in sex with them. But they always made sure they did, giving me instructions. No interest in my needs. I prepared food for them. They never even brought a sandwich. I helped them by editing their whatevers. They showed no curiosity or interest in anything I did or was. To such people, the rest of the world is a source of servants. I keep asking myself, why did I go along with that for years? Well, women are raised as second-class citizens. But we have brains. For a long time, I knew what the game was, and didn't get out. Just takes too long for our brains and survival instincts to kick in.
I’m glad this resonates with you, Sallie! I guess the one difference I’m seeing between your experience and mine is that I don’t feel like Eddie was “taking” from me. I was taking from myself and he was taking from himself. And we were both trying to save each other without knowing how to save ourselves.
A really good essay raises all sorts of questions, doesn't it? And this is really good. I am not as kindly disposed as you, I think. Eddie comes across to me as using you for what he could take in bad conscience, what he wanted but felt was "bad," but not paying the slightest attention to what the exchange was giving or not giving you. I agree that in many religions "sin" is part of that way of life, along with the, I presume, continuous forgiveness of sin. A dance that keeps the naive coming back and back. What I don't see here is Eddie in any way accepting or even "seeing" you and your gifts. I'll reread, trying to keep my judgment out. But I have never been able to go near any organization that defines me as "sinner" or "less than" without getting hives. I gave up my family's religion at the age of 8. It was leading me to hate myself for my very self.
Beautiful, Brenden. As always. I especially loved what you said about the abusive nature of the confession/sin cycle and the way the church uses the “hate the sin love the sinner” idea to entrap folks. Thanks for sharing this piece of your story💖💖
This is a great essay. Thank you for sharing the story. It's a great example of how we can destroy ourselves and our relationships through these received ideas of god. I dated a guy whose brother was also gay, and they'd both been raised Pentecostal, so their parents would say, "I love you, but you're an abomination" and stopped them from seeing their nieces and nephews because they might pass on their demonic evil spirit that was infesting them. It was so damaging. I think often about how people will take an idea (religious, political, etc) and that idea will make them disrupt the most important human connections we have to ourselves and to others - all for the sake of an unproven and manufactured idea. Religion can be the worst of it, and of course if it's that toxic, it couldn't be god (or maybe not one I'd ever want to believe in), but it's how religion controls, amasses money and power, and turns people against themselves and others. Your essay is a great step by step of this gaslighting. Great you saw it and stopped it before it went any further.
Thanks so much — I’m glad this resonated with you! I think you nailed it with the term “gaslighting.” I felt so complicit in its perpetuation. I’m glad I’m on the other side of it now, too!
Powerful article. I was born to what even a priest called "professional Catholics" and although I too have tried to enforce a zero-tolerance policy with the whole punishing dogma of The Church, it kind of soaks through to the bone. (I still find myself thinking I should "offer it up" when I suffer.) My gay older brother, asked when young if he wanted to be a priest when he grew up, replied that he wanted to be the Pope. He struggled with being gay and Catholic his whole life, became a therapist and spiritual leader to gay men in Seattle (when having AIDs was a death sentence), and at his service when he died, the priest said my brother had become a Jesus figure to the gay community there. Wish I had a picture of my mother's face when he said that!
Your story is a lot different from my long-ago experience with Dignity, the group for gay Catholics. I'm from another Christian tradition. But Dignity didn't seem to deny either their same-sex attractions nor their connection to Catholicism Thanks for your story.
Interesting but supremely irritating. And familiar. I'm a woman, an old woman, still remembering how long it took me to rebel against relationships with men who were, as we used to say, "takers." I never had an orgasm in sex with them. But they always made sure they did, giving me instructions. No interest in my needs. I prepared food for them. They never even brought a sandwich. I helped them by editing their whatevers. They showed no curiosity or interest in anything I did or was. To such people, the rest of the world is a source of servants. I keep asking myself, why did I go along with that for years? Well, women are raised as second-class citizens. But we have brains. For a long time, I knew what the game was, and didn't get out. Just takes too long for our brains and survival instincts to kick in.
I’m glad this resonates with you, Sallie! I guess the one difference I’m seeing between your experience and mine is that I don’t feel like Eddie was “taking” from me. I was taking from myself and he was taking from himself. And we were both trying to save each other without knowing how to save ourselves.
A really good essay raises all sorts of questions, doesn't it? And this is really good. I am not as kindly disposed as you, I think. Eddie comes across to me as using you for what he could take in bad conscience, what he wanted but felt was "bad," but not paying the slightest attention to what the exchange was giving or not giving you. I agree that in many religions "sin" is part of that way of life, along with the, I presume, continuous forgiveness of sin. A dance that keeps the naive coming back and back. What I don't see here is Eddie in any way accepting or even "seeing" you and your gifts. I'll reread, trying to keep my judgment out. But I have never been able to go near any organization that defines me as "sinner" or "less than" without getting hives. I gave up my family's religion at the age of 8. It was leading me to hate myself for my very self.
Beautiful, Brenden. As always. I especially loved what you said about the abusive nature of the confession/sin cycle and the way the church uses the “hate the sin love the sinner” idea to entrap folks. Thanks for sharing this piece of your story💖💖
This is a great essay. Thank you for sharing the story. It's a great example of how we can destroy ourselves and our relationships through these received ideas of god. I dated a guy whose brother was also gay, and they'd both been raised Pentecostal, so their parents would say, "I love you, but you're an abomination" and stopped them from seeing their nieces and nephews because they might pass on their demonic evil spirit that was infesting them. It was so damaging. I think often about how people will take an idea (religious, political, etc) and that idea will make them disrupt the most important human connections we have to ourselves and to others - all for the sake of an unproven and manufactured idea. Religion can be the worst of it, and of course if it's that toxic, it couldn't be god (or maybe not one I'd ever want to believe in), but it's how religion controls, amasses money and power, and turns people against themselves and others. Your essay is a great step by step of this gaslighting. Great you saw it and stopped it before it went any further.
Thanks so much — I’m glad this resonated with you! I think you nailed it with the term “gaslighting.” I felt so complicit in its perpetuation. I’m glad I’m on the other side of it now, too!
Powerful article. I was born to what even a priest called "professional Catholics" and although I too have tried to enforce a zero-tolerance policy with the whole punishing dogma of The Church, it kind of soaks through to the bone. (I still find myself thinking I should "offer it up" when I suffer.) My gay older brother, asked when young if he wanted to be a priest when he grew up, replied that he wanted to be the Pope. He struggled with being gay and Catholic his whole life, became a therapist and spiritual leader to gay men in Seattle (when having AIDs was a death sentence), and at his service when he died, the priest said my brother had become a Jesus figure to the gay community there. Wish I had a picture of my mother's face when he said that!
Barb — I never heard this story!!! It’s a wild story and I want to know more about your brother now. Sounds like he was such a powerful person 💜
Your story is a lot different from my long-ago experience with Dignity, the group for gay Catholics. I'm from another Christian tradition. But Dignity didn't seem to deny either their same-sex attractions nor their connection to Catholicism Thanks for your story.
That does sound very different. Thanks for letting me know about this!
This is fantastic. thanks, Brendan.
Thank you so much for reading!!!
🫂