Dear Daddy Advice Column, October 2024: Sex, Dating, and Love Amidst Health Issues, And How to Find The Domination You Deserve

In our inaugural Dear Daddy column, Daddy offers some advice to people seeking the things they desire, despite the perceived obstacles in their paths.

Welcome to Dear Daddy, Open Secrets Magazine’s monthly advice column. You can find more about the column’s mission statement here. This week brings us some great questions about navigating sex and love with health issues, and seeking the kind of domination you deserve. Submit your questions at deardaddyopensecrets@gmail.com.

Dear Daddy,

In 2015, I underwent a blistering treatment for anal cancer that involved daily radiation treatments simultaneously with chemo. It was rough. But it saved my life. Unfortunately, a major side effect of the treatment was that it killed my libido. Almost totally. Occasionally I still feel a flash of sexual interest, but my body won’t cooperate. I can briefly get a semi hard-on, but it deflates nearly as soon as it’s handled. 

My spouse of 27 years died unexpectedly in 2017. He was understanding about my medical condition. Now, seven years later, I really miss being married. But for a lot of people in my category (queer men), sex figures hugely in a relationship, especially when it’s new. It’s pretty much the definition of a relationship. 

Since nowadays I’m medically asexual, is there any hope that I can ever attract a partner again? Thanks for any thoughts you might have about this.

Love,

Sexless in St. Louis 

Dear Sexless,

You’ve lived a lot of life in the last decade. The fact that you’re here is a testament to your strength and perseverance. I’m proud of you.

There are a few things to think about: Yes, in a lot of relationships between men, sex is a big factor. But I wonder if we’re painting with too broad a brush. Libidos differ. There are folks out there happy with the occasional romp, or a warm person to cuddle at the end of the day. There are no wrong answers when it comes to desire. Being one way and not the other is not a defect. That’s just your template, and it’s a matter of finding someone else with a similar template.

The question is: how do you find that person?

If there was an easy answer, you would have done it already!

I would suggest you call on the courage it took to write this letter, and put yourself on the apps, or attend events (sexy or non-sexy!), and be very clear, from the jump, where you are emotionally and physically. Reveal as much as you are comfortable with and follow your instincts.

It might take some time, and yes, it may sometimes be discouraging. But you have weathered a hell of a lot. I don’t doubt your ability to put in the work it takes to find your happiness. And I don’t doubt there are plenty of men out there who match up with your particular template.

From a mechanical standpoint, there’s nothing wrong with medical assistance, in consultation with a health professional. I’ve used performance-enhancing pills from time to time, and they can be quite fun! Maybe that’s what it’ll take—some training wheels to start off, so you can safely get back on the road. But I am not a doctor! If you want to try that, talk to one first.

Hey, you got this. It might not be easy. But you’ve done things that are much harder.

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Dear Daddy,

I’m curious about submission, but my interest is very narrow. Most of my fantasies involve spanking and submission, but I don’t want pain. It’s more an emotional/erotic thing.

I remember reading a story about a Dom who tied a sub up with a fragile thread—it wouldn’t actually restrain her, so the domination was mental. “Don’t break the thread or you’ll be punished.” That kind of mental game really appeals to me. I also really get off on “good girl” and “bad girl” language.

I don’t want humiliation, so it needs to be caring, nurturing, “I’m doing this for your own good” kind of stuff. And I’d like to do this with someone who is experienced, because I’m already nervous enough. I’m pansexual, but for this I think my preference would either be a voluptuous femme (imagine long flowing hair with her boobs overflowing her corset) or a soft butch woman.

Is there a name for this type of activity? Where would you suggest I look for it? And assuming I have to write an ad, what should it say?

From,

Princess

Dear Princess,

R.O. Kwon’s latest book, Exhibit, is about a woman rediscovering her sexuality while being dominated by another woman. The Domme gives the narrator a bell, tied to a strip of ribbon; if the bell drops, the scene ends.

Domination doesn’t require being restrained. It doesn’t require whips and canes. It doesn’t require physical pain.

It only requires structure and agreement.

Here’s a little secret about domination: the power lies with the sub. The sub relinquishes power in return for pleasure—whatever form that pleasure might take. And when a Dom/Domme (D) is handed that power, they take on the responsibility of respecting and honoring that.

You’re going into this with a lot of mindfulness and a little trepidation. This is good. Any D who does not hear this, and respect this, is a shitty D. Full stop, I will brook no argument.

You might meet Ds who will say that true submission means no boundaries and no safewords. Those Ds suck and should be avoided. They are abusive people using kink dynamics as a shield.

I believe you have two options in seeking out a dynamic that best meets your desire. First are the apps, like Feeld. There will be a lot of chaff to separate before you get to the wheat. And if you hit it off with someone, ask them to meet first for coffee, but without play on the table. A good, experienced D will respect the need for a vibe and safety check.

You can also look for queer-friendly kink events in your city (using Google, Instagram, etc.). Do your best to vet them. If they’re unsafe, there’s a good chance people will express that in online spaces.

Your area may not have queer-friendly kink events, which brings us back to apps.

As for what to write? Pretty much what you wrote here. A good D/s dynamic involves clear communication. You told me, clearly, what you wanted. Now write that into a profile.

As a Dom, I am generally excited to play with someone who says they have less experience, because it gives me the opportunity to practice my skills and set a good example for that person going forward.

Also, that thread idea is amazing, and I may put it into my rotation…

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Dear Daddy,

My butch wife and I have been happily together for more than a decade. She’s an excellent, attentive partner. I therefore feel guilty that I am perpetually bothered by her struggle with her weight. She weighs more than a 100 pounds than she did when she was in college, which I know causes her shame and discomfort. She is always saying that this is the year she is going to become a jacked-up, shredded ninja. But over and over I watch her fail at her diet and exercise attempts. She has lost up to 50 pounds, but then gained back 60. 

I find her much more attractive when she is slimmer, and have to wear love glasses to see her as she wants to be rather than as she is. Our sexual positions, ability to be adventurous, and her agility are compromised by her weight. 

She claims she is fat simply because she’s always hungry and feels nauseated if she doesn’t eat often, but sometimes she eats two or three sandwiches at a time, far more than are needed to satisfy basic hunger. Her eating habits seem like a form of self-harm, which makes them hard to watch. She refuses to go to therapy, because she argues that being overweight is a cultural condition, not a personal problem she is having.

This is the one issue causing me unhappiness in our marriage. I want to be supportive of her and to love her no matter what she looks like, but it feels difficult to work up passion for her when she is morbidly obese and unable to address the issue in any lasting way. What do you advise? 

Femme wife

Dear Femme wife,

If your wife were asking this question, I would suggest she track her macros, eat in a slight calorie deficit with a focus on fiber and protein, walk 7,000-10,000 steps a day, and enjoy the occasional indulgent meal so that the process doesn’t feel onerous.

Then I’d remind her that this is a long-haul process, and when you take shortcuts to speed things up, you end up miserable and uncomfortable—which means you won’t stay on track.

But she didn’t ask. You did.

And even though you’re making it sounds like a her problem, it sounds like more of a you problem.

Because, in the end, it’s her body and her health. The problem, as you present it, is not that she’s overweight, is that you don’t like that she’s overweight. You’re casting her behavior as self-harm, which is your interpretation. Is it hers?

Have you considered therapy? I don’t mean to be rude in suggesting that, but I do think you might need to come to a place of acceptance that your wife is who she is, and she might not be capable of changing just because you want her to.

She needs to want it. And if she doesn’t want it, that’s not something you can force her to do.

We want the people we love to be healthy. We want them to live long lives. And there’s a physical component to attraction that, while it’s not the only thing that matters, it matters. The question you need to ask yourself is: if this is who you wife is, if this is the way her body is going to be in perpetuity, is that something you can love about her? Or is it a dealbreaker?

Again, she didn’t ask me for help, but if she is in the market for actionable advice, and she expresses a clear desire for assistance, she might benefit more from a personal trainer than a therapist. I lost 40 pounds working with a trainer. It can be a little pricey and might take a little work to find one who is both affordable and legit.

It’s a gamechanger—we really are very bad at assessing our own eating habits, and no matter how hard you exercise, you can’t out-train a bad diet. But it won’t matter if that’s not what she wants.

And maybe you need to decide if you can be okay with that.

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Dear Daddy,

There probably isn’t an easy answer to my question, which is about dating with chronic illness. I caught COVID back in 2020 and it wrecked my body. My “long COVID” escalated to a complex, post viral neuroimmune disorder called ME/CFS, which is a disease of flares and remissions. So sometimes I’m healthier and sometimes I’m sicker. 

To be frank, I’m pretty disabled right now. I’m coming out of a bad flare and spending a lot of time in bed. I have no idea where I’m going to land in terms of function. But I’m well enough that I’m really itching for intimacy. And I have no idea how to meet people like this.

Dating while disabled would be hard enough. But throw in the wrench that I’m kinky. Before I got sick, I was active in the public BDSM scene in the city where I lived, and met most of my partners at events or through friends. Now, I live in a different, smaller city, closer to family, and I don’t really have access to kink spaces because I’m so severely immunocompromised—it’s a big deal if I get sick. Which makes this world of mask-bans and pandemic denial feel carnival-funhouse scary. 

And the internet is a mean, depressing place. The dating sites I’ve had the most success on are Feeld and OkCupid, but I haven’t really had any success at all.

I can’t be the only kinky person in the world with long COVID or another chronic illness or disability who is restless and wanting to meet someone. But I’m not sure where to start. I’d love to hear any ideas you have for how to go about meeting folks. 

Thanks for your thoughts!

Signed,

My illness is chronic, but my ass is iconic

Dear Iconic Ass,

I’m sorry you’re struggling, but I commend you for wanting to get back in the game, and do it safely. Unfortunately, you’re right—this is not an easy answer. Because if someone were to ask me how to get into the kink space, I would tell them to attend events and use the apps.

The best course of action might be further investigation into the apps. I know, I know, the apps can suck. As stated in a previous response, there’s a lot of chaff to clear. But it does allow you to continue your journey at a distance, in a way that’s better suited to your health.

That said, I’d like to suggest an experiment. Maybe—for a short time at least—you should change your search parameters.

Let’s say you’re a sub looking for a Dom… maybe start looking for other subs.

Use the apps to find friends, not people to fuck.

Right now you’re stuck on an island—that island being your bed. You’re in a different city, removed from your comfort zone and your previous contacts. This might be the time to invest on building a new community.

I’m sure you aren’t the only kinky person concerned about their health. Maybe what you need right now are some like-minded friends, who might be able to introduce you to safe spaces and playmates.

It can’t hurt to try, right?

I wish you the best of luck in your journey to get your ass safely spanked (or whatever it is that revs your engine), but more than that, I hope your health improves. This post-pandemic world is stupid, and sucks, and it’s important for all of us to remember how many people are still struggling.

Do you have a question for Daddy? Write to deardaddyopensecrets@gmail.com.