Oh lord, how I relate!!!! So much of what you've written sounds like an exact description of my own brain.
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago (one of those later-in-life diagnoses that happen so frequently for women, because the symptoms mirror what society wants from us so nobody bothered to look deeper.) I've been learning and trying to have grace and all the things.
Then, a couple months ago, I switched to a new medication prescriber. After looking at all my notes (including multiple ADHD meds having unexpected effects) and a long conversation, he posited that it might not be ADHD. It might be symptoms of CPTSD masquerading as ADHD. So now I'm down another rabbit hole. It will probably be a little while before he has a definite conclusion, but it looks probable that he's correct.
But that's not why I started this comment. What I actually wanted to say is that I look at you and see an incredibly accomplished, smart, put together woman. Someone I aspire to be like. Yet you feel like this. And I know others look at me and see the same thing, which is a constant surprise because I always feel like I'm approximately 10 seconds away from utter disaster.
Anyway, I see you. I admire you. And I have a lot of faith in your brain. ❤️
That’s so interesting about the CPSD possibility. I don’t know a ton about it but Glamorous Trash podcaster Chelsea Devantez talks a lot anout her CPSD.
My ADHD med, Qelbree, helps me but it’s a panacea. I’m still working out the best productivity and project management systems for myself that aren’t just writing endless to-do lists. I hear you. I think no matter how much you accomplish, for some of us it’s far easier to focus on what we’ve wanted to accomplish but haven’t. At least, it is for me, and sometimes I fixate on those things to the point that it impedes me from actually starting or finishing other projects. I don’t have an answer but at least we know we aren’t alone in feeling that sense of disaster around the corner.
What’s funny about this mindset for me is that I’m very good in actual emergencies but once the immediacy is gone I will still overthink even the smallest task. I believe we’re all works in progress though, which means we can always learn and grow and adapt.
Leah, the outcome of an assessment I pursued to confirm a diagnosis for ADHD symptoms I’ve managed since childhood was so frustrating and invalidating because of this confusion between ADHD and PTSD and the psychologist’s insistence to not diagnose anything since she couldn’t determine the exact root of the symptoms. I met all the criteria for ADHD, but she refused to provide the diagnosis because of my history of childhood trauma, pointing to PTSD.
I can see how for you it would be important to know the underlying cause of symptoms to get the medication right. For me, because I was left with no diagnosis, I felt invalidated and not listened to. I was angry with the psychologist and the experience cemented my long-standing critique of psychological assessments (in short, we humans have created these categories of diagnoses -what is normal and not and how to categorize - and we change them every few years, and they are rooted in eugenics). This was happening in the midst of a serious identity crisis and I did not handle it well.
I could have another assessment done with a more knowledgeable psychologist, but they’re expensive and it sent me on such a downward spiral that I can’t put myself through that again - and I have no trust in the process. So I continue on knowing I’m neurodivergent whatever the diagnosis may be.
All this to say, I hope you have a more positive experience and feel free to reach out if you need someone who understands the rabbit hole.
And I agree that the way we seem to others doesn’t always match the chaos inside - the outcome does not show the process. It is nice to know others who have similar experiences behind the scenes! Our brains do amazing things!
I’m sorry the psychologist was not only unhelpful but damaging. It’s so hard to seek out help or get motivated to take action when you have ADHD that any stumbling blocks just make it harder. That reminds me of a time I sought help from a personal organizer for my hoarding and after seeing my place, she said she couldn’t help and I was devastated.
You might want to check out Sarah Fay’s personal Substack and her memoir Pathological, about her issues with mental health diagnoses. More info on them is at https://www.sarahfay.org/
I’m here for this column! No lessons needed, just awareness, stories people can relate to, and general solidarity. We all know ADHDers never remember lessons anyway
I write all over the place like this, Rachel, and it’s so refreshing to see someone else doing it, too. I never realized it might be due to ADHD (I’m newly diagnosed), but looking at it now, it makes so much sense.
Thank you for unmasking and showing us your true self. I’m so encouraged every time I see other ADHD writers share the challenges they meet in their work.
Also, want to say I can SOOOOOO relate to the excuses for not starting something… And that, in particular, made me feel better about my own struggles to start. ❤️
Beautifully done—keep it coming! Wish I was in NYC for your event. Maybe next year!
Oh Rachel~ I again relate. Hard!! I've always had ADHD, but was officially dx'd late in life. 55 years old late! I'm now 58 and still navigating the non-linear labyrinth of being ND. I take medication for it and also have the 5 AM burst of creative energy and imperative. But then...the crashes. I appreciate the unmasked flow of this article. Can't wait to meet you in May!!
I’m glad you got your diagnosis and I think it makes sense that if would take a while (or maybe a lifetime?) to figure out what works best for you and then how those systems can be put in place in a world that isn’t always accommodating. I hope that younger generations are getting screened and tested and made aware of ADHD at earlier ages so they can get the right support without feeling like they’re flawed.
Thanks for sharing this! And the authenticity is appreciated. I'm learning how to better support a loved one with ADHD, and hearing diverse perspectives helps.
Great post Rachel. It's very frenetic in its pacing, so the energy of the words matches the theme of this very engaging new column — but totally cohesive and understandable, providing honest insights into living with ADHD, and your experiences with it. Really appreciate you sharing, and looking forward to future installments.
Oh lord, how I relate!!!! So much of what you've written sounds like an exact description of my own brain.
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago (one of those later-in-life diagnoses that happen so frequently for women, because the symptoms mirror what society wants from us so nobody bothered to look deeper.) I've been learning and trying to have grace and all the things.
Then, a couple months ago, I switched to a new medication prescriber. After looking at all my notes (including multiple ADHD meds having unexpected effects) and a long conversation, he posited that it might not be ADHD. It might be symptoms of CPTSD masquerading as ADHD. So now I'm down another rabbit hole. It will probably be a little while before he has a definite conclusion, but it looks probable that he's correct.
But that's not why I started this comment. What I actually wanted to say is that I look at you and see an incredibly accomplished, smart, put together woman. Someone I aspire to be like. Yet you feel like this. And I know others look at me and see the same thing, which is a constant surprise because I always feel like I'm approximately 10 seconds away from utter disaster.
Anyway, I see you. I admire you. And I have a lot of faith in your brain. ❤️
That’s so interesting about the CPSD possibility. I don’t know a ton about it but Glamorous Trash podcaster Chelsea Devantez talks a lot anout her CPSD.
My ADHD med, Qelbree, helps me but it’s a panacea. I’m still working out the best productivity and project management systems for myself that aren’t just writing endless to-do lists. I hear you. I think no matter how much you accomplish, for some of us it’s far easier to focus on what we’ve wanted to accomplish but haven’t. At least, it is for me, and sometimes I fixate on those things to the point that it impedes me from actually starting or finishing other projects. I don’t have an answer but at least we know we aren’t alone in feeling that sense of disaster around the corner.
What’s funny about this mindset for me is that I’m very good in actual emergencies but once the immediacy is gone I will still overthink even the smallest task. I believe we’re all works in progress though, which means we can always learn and grow and adapt.
Leah, the outcome of an assessment I pursued to confirm a diagnosis for ADHD symptoms I’ve managed since childhood was so frustrating and invalidating because of this confusion between ADHD and PTSD and the psychologist’s insistence to not diagnose anything since she couldn’t determine the exact root of the symptoms. I met all the criteria for ADHD, but she refused to provide the diagnosis because of my history of childhood trauma, pointing to PTSD.
I can see how for you it would be important to know the underlying cause of symptoms to get the medication right. For me, because I was left with no diagnosis, I felt invalidated and not listened to. I was angry with the psychologist and the experience cemented my long-standing critique of psychological assessments (in short, we humans have created these categories of diagnoses -what is normal and not and how to categorize - and we change them every few years, and they are rooted in eugenics). This was happening in the midst of a serious identity crisis and I did not handle it well.
I could have another assessment done with a more knowledgeable psychologist, but they’re expensive and it sent me on such a downward spiral that I can’t put myself through that again - and I have no trust in the process. So I continue on knowing I’m neurodivergent whatever the diagnosis may be.
All this to say, I hope you have a more positive experience and feel free to reach out if you need someone who understands the rabbit hole.
And I agree that the way we seem to others doesn’t always match the chaos inside - the outcome does not show the process. It is nice to know others who have similar experiences behind the scenes! Our brains do amazing things!
I’m sorry the psychologist was not only unhelpful but damaging. It’s so hard to seek out help or get motivated to take action when you have ADHD that any stumbling blocks just make it harder. That reminds me of a time I sought help from a personal organizer for my hoarding and after seeing my place, she said she couldn’t help and I was devastated.
You might want to check out Sarah Fay’s personal Substack and her memoir Pathological, about her issues with mental health diagnoses. More info on them is at https://www.sarahfay.org/
Thanks, Rachel. Pathological is on my reading list – for when I'm ready to go there. :)
I’m here for this column! No lessons needed, just awareness, stories people can relate to, and general solidarity. We all know ADHDers never remember lessons anyway
I have ADHD too and I can relate to all you’ve written.
I write all over the place like this, Rachel, and it’s so refreshing to see someone else doing it, too. I never realized it might be due to ADHD (I’m newly diagnosed), but looking at it now, it makes so much sense.
Thank you for unmasking and showing us your true self. I’m so encouraged every time I see other ADHD writers share the challenges they meet in their work.
Also, want to say I can SOOOOOO relate to the excuses for not starting something… And that, in particular, made me feel better about my own struggles to start. ❤️
Beautifully done—keep it coming! Wish I was in NYC for your event. Maybe next year!
Oh Rachel~ I again relate. Hard!! I've always had ADHD, but was officially dx'd late in life. 55 years old late! I'm now 58 and still navigating the non-linear labyrinth of being ND. I take medication for it and also have the 5 AM burst of creative energy and imperative. But then...the crashes. I appreciate the unmasked flow of this article. Can't wait to meet you in May!!
I’m glad you got your diagnosis and I think it makes sense that if would take a while (or maybe a lifetime?) to figure out what works best for you and then how those systems can be put in place in a world that isn’t always accommodating. I hope that younger generations are getting screened and tested and made aware of ADHD at earlier ages so they can get the right support without feeling like they’re flawed.
Thanks for sharing this! And the authenticity is appreciated. I'm learning how to better support a loved one with ADHD, and hearing diverse perspectives helps.
Great post Rachel. It's very frenetic in its pacing, so the energy of the words matches the theme of this very engaging new column — but totally cohesive and understandable, providing honest insights into living with ADHD, and your experiences with it. Really appreciate you sharing, and looking forward to future installments.
I wanted to write something but here I am, well, guess I did try. A notch in the right direction you called it , right?