Your nuanced essay today got me thinking about all the stereotypes we hold in our minds and how it's more beneficial not to assume anything about a person. Parenthood is one of those aspects, as you mention. When my daughter was born with a rare disease, I learned that every family looks different, and I have tried to refrain from quick judgments - and certainly comments - when in public. For example, my husband Ben and I were attending a glass art exhibit at our local museum, and the CEO greeted us. After saying hello, Ben said, "It's good to be out of the house for a while when you have five kids!" The CEO said, "Boy, I get that." Because he was an older gentleman, Ben assumed he was referring to grandchildren and said so. I turned beet red and walked away, as I heard the CEO say, "No, I mean I have young kids at home, too." It's one of those things where we can all learn not to leap to conclusions about people, and your essay made me think of that today.
You mention percentages in your story, which got me thinking - perhaps your friend in the store was just going with percentages when he thought you were an ally instead of part of the Pride group. Percentage-wise, he had the odds on his side.
I know it's not a competition, but if you think it's difficult not being perceived as LGBTQIA+ because one is bisexual, try being asexual. I mean, there's an "A" in there right before the "+" so I assume we're part of the group, but because of our relative invisibility in the demo, I tend to self-reduce myself to "ally," instead of considering myself "one of." :(
Also, I am married with children (discovered asexuality is a thing very late in life), and a middle-aged white male, so I totally hear you.
This interpretation of monosexuality is hilarious. For me, none of that process happens. I don't really think about someone's gender and compare it to my own, unless there's a guy conducting microaggressions (or macroaggressions). But then, it's not about "deciding" if I'm attracted to him, it's more in the context of, "he has no idea, does he?" The whole thing about sexuality is, no one decides who they're attracted to: it just happens. Again, a peek into my head: if I see an attractive woman, I usually think something like, "I wish I had her arms/style/confidence." When I see an attractive man, it's different. I think more about how I might like to interact with what's attractive about him, rather than how I might like to inhabit it. And none of that is a conscious process, or a decision. None of it feels complicated, from my perspective.
In terms of your main point, that it sucks you were assumed to be straight: I agree. It would have been better if he'd just said "Thanks" rather than following it up with an assumption about you. I'm not sure why motherhood would project straightness, either: as someone going through IVF, I'm well aware that women in same-sex couples want to be moms, too. All the paperwork says "patient" and "partner," which is nicely gender-neutral.
What an interesting article, and so well written. Now, I'm wondering if you might be the one overthinking it. :-) Like the comment below by Christa Hillhouse, I think it was because you were a stranger in the grocery store saying this to him. Being a senior gay women, fear has dictated many situations I've been in, afraid of what will come next. If you have gadar, I am easy to spot in the city, but in the small farming town where I grew up and moved back to 6 years ago, many people just see me as country/tomboy. Being gay, or any other identity other than heterosexual, is not acknowledged nor spoken. There is a certain level of secrecy that even in 2024 we must keep, because we are in fact viewed as being a sinner of the worst kind, and definitely less-than others. If someone had come up to me in a grocery store and said Happy Pride, I would be glancing around to see who else heard what they said, in fear that I would be at the least verbally attacked. So I wonder if that person was simply thrown of. All that being said, I really enjoyed your post and would love to read more from you. Keep writing! You have a gift!
There is no “obviously gay” anymore. I think it was saying “happy pride” to a stranger that made you appear straight 🤷😆
Hi Amy,
Your nuanced essay today got me thinking about all the stereotypes we hold in our minds and how it's more beneficial not to assume anything about a person. Parenthood is one of those aspects, as you mention. When my daughter was born with a rare disease, I learned that every family looks different, and I have tried to refrain from quick judgments - and certainly comments - when in public. For example, my husband Ben and I were attending a glass art exhibit at our local museum, and the CEO greeted us. After saying hello, Ben said, "It's good to be out of the house for a while when you have five kids!" The CEO said, "Boy, I get that." Because he was an older gentleman, Ben assumed he was referring to grandchildren and said so. I turned beet red and walked away, as I heard the CEO say, "No, I mean I have young kids at home, too." It's one of those things where we can all learn not to leap to conclusions about people, and your essay made me think of that today.
You mention percentages in your story, which got me thinking - perhaps your friend in the store was just going with percentages when he thought you were an ally instead of part of the Pride group. Percentage-wise, he had the odds on his side.
I know it's not a competition, but if you think it's difficult not being perceived as LGBTQIA+ because one is bisexual, try being asexual. I mean, there's an "A" in there right before the "+" so I assume we're part of the group, but because of our relative invisibility in the demo, I tend to self-reduce myself to "ally," instead of considering myself "one of." :(
Also, I am married with children (discovered asexuality is a thing very late in life), and a middle-aged white male, so I totally hear you.
This interpretation of monosexuality is hilarious. For me, none of that process happens. I don't really think about someone's gender and compare it to my own, unless there's a guy conducting microaggressions (or macroaggressions). But then, it's not about "deciding" if I'm attracted to him, it's more in the context of, "he has no idea, does he?" The whole thing about sexuality is, no one decides who they're attracted to: it just happens. Again, a peek into my head: if I see an attractive woman, I usually think something like, "I wish I had her arms/style/confidence." When I see an attractive man, it's different. I think more about how I might like to interact with what's attractive about him, rather than how I might like to inhabit it. And none of that is a conscious process, or a decision. None of it feels complicated, from my perspective.
In terms of your main point, that it sucks you were assumed to be straight: I agree. It would have been better if he'd just said "Thanks" rather than following it up with an assumption about you. I'm not sure why motherhood would project straightness, either: as someone going through IVF, I'm well aware that women in same-sex couples want to be moms, too. All the paperwork says "patient" and "partner," which is nicely gender-neutral.
Very interesting story. Thank you for sharing it.
I hope your kids are doing well.
You lost me at: "I could tell he was gay because, well, he looked gay." Isn't that just another hasty generalization and assumption?
Depite what the comment section suggests, "Obviously gay" never appears in this essay.
What an interesting article, and so well written. Now, I'm wondering if you might be the one overthinking it. :-) Like the comment below by Christa Hillhouse, I think it was because you were a stranger in the grocery store saying this to him. Being a senior gay women, fear has dictated many situations I've been in, afraid of what will come next. If you have gadar, I am easy to spot in the city, but in the small farming town where I grew up and moved back to 6 years ago, many people just see me as country/tomboy. Being gay, or any other identity other than heterosexual, is not acknowledged nor spoken. There is a certain level of secrecy that even in 2024 we must keep, because we are in fact viewed as being a sinner of the worst kind, and definitely less-than others. If someone had come up to me in a grocery store and said Happy Pride, I would be glancing around to see who else heard what they said, in fear that I would be at the least verbally attacked. So I wonder if that person was simply thrown of. All that being said, I really enjoyed your post and would love to read more from you. Keep writing! You have a gift!