"Psychopomp" is doing something much more precise here than "organiser." An organiser solves a storage problem. A psychopomp witnesses the transition. That distinction matters especially for those of us with AuDHD, for whom clutter isn't just a visual mess. It's a field of unfinished decisions, each one sitting in working memory, each one pulling attention. The weight isn't physical. It's cognitive. Which is why professional organizers often don't work — the stranger doesn't have the relational trust required to help someone release a thing. The psychopomp has to be someone the person already trusts enough to be seen in the mess. Beautiful piece.
Thank you so much for this comment and its insight. As it happens, I’ve done this work with a number of friends and loves who sit in various places along the AuDHD spectrum and you’re right, it’s not the same as doing it with people who don’t have that particular kind of rigging. There’s a different kind of cognitive disentanglement that has to happen. I think it can be equally as intense, but it’s qualitatively different.
This is who I am having to be for my parents right now. We’ve gone from a 3 story house (+ basement) overrun with stuff to a two story with only the basement overrun with stuff so progress has been made. I do my best to show up in the way you describe, as I know it will be mine to deal with either way - now or when they’re gone.
I’m not without my own stuff that needs sorting and releasing, my own dreams that need grieving. I’ll hold your words close as the journey continues.
It really does help — it’s nice to hear that from someone else. I am relentlessly curious about how people end up with the Stuff they have, but one has to strike a very canny balance about asking those questions or that’s all you’ll do all day. Still, the curiosity helps me come at it from an empathetic direction, which makes a big difference.
Yes to this! Non-judgmental curiosity and empathy also seem to help diffuse those matchsticks of shame you so beautifully reference. I can really see them in my mother (and myself when my husband comments on my stuff - ha!)
Thanks for the back and forth. I’ve signed up for your newsletters and look forward to reading more of your work.
Wow. So relevant- and a wonderful read! I have been de-cluttering and organizing for folx during my unemployment and have been writing about all the noticing's. The space you hold for those who cannot let go, who have shame, pride. memories. I purge easily and am not attached to things- but have compassion, and presence for those are. It has been so rewarding, and has taught me a lot about myself, humanity, and -well, the overwhelm of things, one click purchases, and the not knowing where to begin or where to put them. I loved reading this. Wonderful.
My friend Julia has this skill. She helped me so much when I was moving across the country and had to get rid of stuff. I have yet to tackle the photos. The era of double prints from Fotomat is responsible for a real headache because, of course, they’re not together any more.
Ooof. I love this piece. That image of the truck pulling away in a cloud of its own confetti has me plugging in my shredder. It's way past shredding time.
Better you than me. I made an attempt at this once for a friend. When she cried as I carried a stack of 1980s magazines to my car for a dump run I knew I was literally in over my head.
Hoarding should be classified as a mental disorder.
"Psychopomp" is doing something much more precise here than "organiser." An organiser solves a storage problem. A psychopomp witnesses the transition. That distinction matters especially for those of us with AuDHD, for whom clutter isn't just a visual mess. It's a field of unfinished decisions, each one sitting in working memory, each one pulling attention. The weight isn't physical. It's cognitive. Which is why professional organizers often don't work — the stranger doesn't have the relational trust required to help someone release a thing. The psychopomp has to be someone the person already trusts enough to be seen in the mess. Beautiful piece.
Thank you so much for this comment and its insight. As it happens, I’ve done this work with a number of friends and loves who sit in various places along the AuDHD spectrum and you’re right, it’s not the same as doing it with people who don’t have that particular kind of rigging. There’s a different kind of cognitive disentanglement that has to happen. I think it can be equally as intense, but it’s qualitatively different.
What a lovely piece.
This is who I am having to be for my parents right now. We’ve gone from a 3 story house (+ basement) overrun with stuff to a two story with only the basement overrun with stuff so progress has been made. I do my best to show up in the way you describe, as I know it will be mine to deal with either way - now or when they’re gone.
I’m not without my own stuff that needs sorting and releasing, my own dreams that need grieving. I’ll hold your words close as the journey continues.
Strength to your arms, Alana. The process is always hardest when it’s your own stuff and that of your family — may you find some ease in the process.
Thank you Hanne. Coming from a place of love, kindness and understanding (as much as possible) helps me so much.
It really does help — it’s nice to hear that from someone else. I am relentlessly curious about how people end up with the Stuff they have, but one has to strike a very canny balance about asking those questions or that’s all you’ll do all day. Still, the curiosity helps me come at it from an empathetic direction, which makes a big difference.
Yes to this! Non-judgmental curiosity and empathy also seem to help diffuse those matchsticks of shame you so beautifully reference. I can really see them in my mother (and myself when my husband comments on my stuff - ha!)
Thanks for the back and forth. I’ve signed up for your newsletters and look forward to reading more of your work.
Fantastic piece. Looking forward to reading more as a subscriber.
Thank you so much!
Wow. So relevant- and a wonderful read! I have been de-cluttering and organizing for folx during my unemployment and have been writing about all the noticing's. The space you hold for those who cannot let go, who have shame, pride. memories. I purge easily and am not attached to things- but have compassion, and presence for those are. It has been so rewarding, and has taught me a lot about myself, humanity, and -well, the overwhelm of things, one click purchases, and the not knowing where to begin or where to put them. I loved reading this. Wonderful.
My friend Julia has this skill. She helped me so much when I was moving across the country and had to get rid of stuff. I have yet to tackle the photos. The era of double prints from Fotomat is responsible for a real headache because, of course, they’re not together any more.
I’m glad you have a Julia. Photos are their own special bugbear, they truly are.
Ooof. I love this piece. That image of the truck pulling away in a cloud of its own confetti has me plugging in my shredder. It's way past shredding time.
Happy shredding, Eileen! (And thank you!)
love this piece
Thank you, Lara.
As I navigate middle-aged motherhood with my relentless rituals and OCD, I find this piece truly enlightening!
Thank you for taking the time to say so, Cara! That’s high praise indeed.
Better you than me. I made an attempt at this once for a friend. When she cried as I carried a stack of 1980s magazines to my car for a dump run I knew I was literally in over my head.
Hoarding should be classified as a mental disorder.