I loved the line, "Someone to love not because I’m empty but because I have so much to give." I am proud of the things I've achieved and the life I've built on my own. I struggle to admit how much I want to find the right person to share that life with because I fear it will come across as un-feminist or like I am pinning my self-worth on a partner, which I don't. I have to remind myself that we are social animals, and the desire for companionship is entirely normal and natural, not something to be ashamed of. Thank you for putting words to this feeling.
I really resonate with this. I didn’t find the love of my life until my thirties, so I know how hard it is. Wishing you strength and peace in your journey.
I'm so incredibly glad to be on this page and read essays such as yours. Honestly, my neck hurts from nodding my head so vigorously at your every word, despite our age gap. And, we'll, I am also a mother. And a grandmother. Oh..and have been married. Twice, in fact. I wince at the word "failure" and try to avoid it but let's face it: the marriages "failed". I take heart in not saying that *I* failed, however. Nor has love failed me, per se. The circumstances around both marriages are rather bizarre, and to be perfectly frank, weren't really about "love". I have spent my life perforated with so, so many holes, so many hollow, vacant spaces longing to be filled. Oh how you described it perfectly! I'm 58 now. I have lived alone for over a decade. Well, with two cats and two birds. Menopause has quelled my libido considerably. Exhaustion has ended the search. Like you, I am tired of all the clichés about "letting love find you" and "ok so you're 58. It's not too late!". Well....I think it is. I'm not looking, and I'm not waiting to be "found". That being said, there is no fence around my still open heart, should it come along, but I really think I'd have a better chance at hitting Lotto. I work full time, no longer frequent bars ( I'm in recovery) and as for hanging out in coffeehouse expecting to lock eyes with a stranger/potential whatever, meh. I think that notion is best left to romcoms. My very best friend in the entire world was male. We exemplified platonic in such a deep way it was elevated to a status well above romantic love. We are talking 32 years of loyal, ride or die, unconditional Philia. He died in mid December. The pain is still searing. I'm branded by grief. I grieved the "loss" of my marriages, in a way, but fleetingly, and replaced by "whew!!". But not when it comes to my best friend. Anyway, this comment is too long but I just want to genuinely thank you for sharing your heart and soul feelings with us. You really are not alone in them. I have no advice to give and I despise platitudes, but I hope you stay hopeful. Stay true to you. Never lower your standards. You have youth on your side. Oh shit!!! I just gave *&^%$ advice. Don't listen to this old cynic. Just know you are more than worthy...of love and everything else!! I so look forward to getting to know you better through your writing. ❤️
I see you, Sonya, and I lived your story for many years. I'd been single -- no boyfriends, just hookups -- for 9 years. I was then in a relationship for 3 years that I thought was "it" until it fell apart in a messy, terrible way. And then at age 42, I found him. We've been together now 16 years. I honestly thought it would never happen. But I'll tell you that in those "empty" years, I wrote almost non-stop and built a writing career from those depths of feeling. And I stayed in therapy to heal that very deep hurt and loneliness. We persist. We experience. We create. I wish you all the very warmest of heart comforts.
What a beautiful read. I felt similarly to you for most of my 20s and 30s until I met my partner. I got so tired of the “it’ll happen when you least expect it” refrain. I will say, it’s wonderful that you love your life as is, because whenever that special person does come into your life, it will just be a complement to a life already well lived. And most of us in the world cannot say that.
This is so, so brave. I think too many people think of not wanting to be single as a scarlet letter: if you admit you’re not happily alone, people avoid eye contact with you. But that experience is so universal and should be a basis for connection, not shame.
Love yourself and do everything you love to do for YOU and deserving friends. Ignore peer pressure. Stop obsessing. Be your own best friend. Cliches? No! It takes courage to stand alone in this world and all the wrong men don't appreciate strong, independent woman even in the 21st century. Love will come when you least expect, honest. I was married at 40.
Well it's work, honestly. This is something you want, so you search for it. I'm quite a bit older than you and grew up in an age when our only options were introductions (which worked miserably) or bars and hoping to bump into someone (which was worse). My advice is to take advantage of services available now and approach them with a thick skin. Yes, 90 percent of your dates will be awful. But if you give up, you'll be right back here. It only takes one right one. Date multiple people at once so you don't give in to every man who tells you you're wonderful. Juggle them until you're sure. Use a service if you can afford it, and apps if you can't. Treat it like a job until you find him. He's out there
I really feel this. Im 50 and still single. Its so lonely and the older i get the harder it is to find somebody. Ive dated plenty of women, been in a few long term relationships, but never been married. It feels like around the three month mark they start pulling away. I cant figure it out. I think im attracted to avoidants. I don't know. Great essay. It made me feel a little less alone. I appreciate that.
Hi Marina, I've been studying this for a lifetime and then teaching it for 25 years and this works fir everyone!!! Please shift form ignoring a problem, and shift from focusing/worrying about a problem and instead please DO THIS:
Put time aside every night before you go to sleep in which you focus on the solution as if it's already arrived and you're in the vibration of joy, passion, love, companionship, touch, and feel everything that you are wanting. As everything becomes REAL in your mind's eye you are turning on your magnetism! Please reach out to me at susan@susanallan.org and I'll send you the full full full script and training and then you can tell me about your new fabulous fabulous fabulous fabulous life partner❤️❤️😁😁😁👍👍👍🥳🥳
I loved the line, "Someone to love not because I’m empty but because I have so much to give." I am proud of the things I've achieved and the life I've built on my own. I struggle to admit how much I want to find the right person to share that life with because I fear it will come across as un-feminist or like I am pinning my self-worth on a partner, which I don't. I have to remind myself that we are social animals, and the desire for companionship is entirely normal and natural, not something to be ashamed of. Thank you for putting words to this feeling.
I really resonate with this. I didn’t find the love of my life until my thirties, so I know how hard it is. Wishing you strength and peace in your journey.
I'm so incredibly glad to be on this page and read essays such as yours. Honestly, my neck hurts from nodding my head so vigorously at your every word, despite our age gap. And, we'll, I am also a mother. And a grandmother. Oh..and have been married. Twice, in fact. I wince at the word "failure" and try to avoid it but let's face it: the marriages "failed". I take heart in not saying that *I* failed, however. Nor has love failed me, per se. The circumstances around both marriages are rather bizarre, and to be perfectly frank, weren't really about "love". I have spent my life perforated with so, so many holes, so many hollow, vacant spaces longing to be filled. Oh how you described it perfectly! I'm 58 now. I have lived alone for over a decade. Well, with two cats and two birds. Menopause has quelled my libido considerably. Exhaustion has ended the search. Like you, I am tired of all the clichés about "letting love find you" and "ok so you're 58. It's not too late!". Well....I think it is. I'm not looking, and I'm not waiting to be "found". That being said, there is no fence around my still open heart, should it come along, but I really think I'd have a better chance at hitting Lotto. I work full time, no longer frequent bars ( I'm in recovery) and as for hanging out in coffeehouse expecting to lock eyes with a stranger/potential whatever, meh. I think that notion is best left to romcoms. My very best friend in the entire world was male. We exemplified platonic in such a deep way it was elevated to a status well above romantic love. We are talking 32 years of loyal, ride or die, unconditional Philia. He died in mid December. The pain is still searing. I'm branded by grief. I grieved the "loss" of my marriages, in a way, but fleetingly, and replaced by "whew!!". But not when it comes to my best friend. Anyway, this comment is too long but I just want to genuinely thank you for sharing your heart and soul feelings with us. You really are not alone in them. I have no advice to give and I despise platitudes, but I hope you stay hopeful. Stay true to you. Never lower your standards. You have youth on your side. Oh shit!!! I just gave *&^%$ advice. Don't listen to this old cynic. Just know you are more than worthy...of love and everything else!! I so look forward to getting to know you better through your writing. ❤️
I see you, Sonya, and I lived your story for many years. I'd been single -- no boyfriends, just hookups -- for 9 years. I was then in a relationship for 3 years that I thought was "it" until it fell apart in a messy, terrible way. And then at age 42, I found him. We've been together now 16 years. I honestly thought it would never happen. But I'll tell you that in those "empty" years, I wrote almost non-stop and built a writing career from those depths of feeling. And I stayed in therapy to heal that very deep hurt and loneliness. We persist. We experience. We create. I wish you all the very warmest of heart comforts.
What a beautiful read. I felt similarly to you for most of my 20s and 30s until I met my partner. I got so tired of the “it’ll happen when you least expect it” refrain. I will say, it’s wonderful that you love your life as is, because whenever that special person does come into your life, it will just be a complement to a life already well lived. And most of us in the world cannot say that.
This is so, so brave. I think too many people think of not wanting to be single as a scarlet letter: if you admit you’re not happily alone, people avoid eye contact with you. But that experience is so universal and should be a basis for connection, not shame.
Love yourself and do everything you love to do for YOU and deserving friends. Ignore peer pressure. Stop obsessing. Be your own best friend. Cliches? No! It takes courage to stand alone in this world and all the wrong men don't appreciate strong, independent woman even in the 21st century. Love will come when you least expect, honest. I was married at 40.
So well said.
Thank you, I believe what I wrote wholeheartedly.
Well it's work, honestly. This is something you want, so you search for it. I'm quite a bit older than you and grew up in an age when our only options were introductions (which worked miserably) or bars and hoping to bump into someone (which was worse). My advice is to take advantage of services available now and approach them with a thick skin. Yes, 90 percent of your dates will be awful. But if you give up, you'll be right back here. It only takes one right one. Date multiple people at once so you don't give in to every man who tells you you're wonderful. Juggle them until you're sure. Use a service if you can afford it, and apps if you can't. Treat it like a job until you find him. He's out there
It is pure luck!
I really feel this. Im 50 and still single. Its so lonely and the older i get the harder it is to find somebody. Ive dated plenty of women, been in a few long term relationships, but never been married. It feels like around the three month mark they start pulling away. I cant figure it out. I think im attracted to avoidants. I don't know. Great essay. It made me feel a little less alone. I appreciate that.
Hi Marina, I've been studying this for a lifetime and then teaching it for 25 years and this works fir everyone!!! Please shift form ignoring a problem, and shift from focusing/worrying about a problem and instead please DO THIS:
Put time aside every night before you go to sleep in which you focus on the solution as if it's already arrived and you're in the vibration of joy, passion, love, companionship, touch, and feel everything that you are wanting. As everything becomes REAL in your mind's eye you are turning on your magnetism! Please reach out to me at susan@susanallan.org and I'll send you the full full full script and training and then you can tell me about your new fabulous fabulous fabulous fabulous life partner❤️❤️😁😁😁👍👍👍🥳🥳