I think these kind of situations have no clear answers. It's incredibly individual and personal and I agree that we all contain multitudes.
My stepfather attempted to rob a bank by saying he had a bomb. He was sentenced to prison for 13 years. I also wrote him a letter trying to reduce the sentence. I don't think it worked. Before that point, he was kind and generous and good to me and my family. He was pretty much the only father figure I'd ever had. I don't have anything much to offer here besides the fact that I chose to see him as a whole person versus what he done. So I appreciate your piece and this nuance.
WOW, we really do have similar circumstances. I really appreciate you weighing in here--we're a small club (stepdaughters of felons) so we need to stick together. :)
How absolutely shattering. I often wonder what we should consider about a person; everything they did wrong, or everything they did right. So many contradictions. Above all, this is a beautifully written piece.
If the fragments of your story were hung in a mobile, I think most of us would have similar fragments in different arrangements and sizes. They must be archetypes then, yes? That makes them no less painful or confusing, but does explain the awful side of so many fairy tales and myths. I have wondered if we could work backwards from a culture we'd all thrive in, could we adjust those source paradigms to eliminate the evils, the misogyny, racism, and sociopathy? Play with the DNA? Wouldn't that be great? Yes. But I suspect we have to be creating a good world for the DNA to start improving. Meanwhile, yes, the more air all our stories get the less a restraining hold they can have on our lives. Keeping family secrets is quite an unspoken oath (in western cultures, anyway) so it has all continued, up until now.
We all do so much of the work of recovery on our own or in small safe groups before daring to speak beyond that. You'd think we'd have it tamped down to essentials that are manageable, helpful as can be for the world to recognize and begin the process of correction, of reconciliation. But our power is new to us, and a surprise to others. The truth of the matter is often hard for others to bring into focus. Brick walls might be in the way, and in their crumbling the others might throw the broken pieces back in our faces.
I remember early on in therapy being told that our early healthy actions rarely come out with grace. That was well over 40 years ago, and I still often feel like a complete klutz. I have far to go. I haven't lived life in order but I have been lucky to experience most of what I would have chosen without the roadblocks making huge detours. I never thought our society would go backwards though! My sense of security online is pretty flimsy. I say bravo to all who can share freely. I hope to be like all of you when I grow up!
Thank you for sharing this piece. I don't think anyone knows what they'd do if someone close to them was incarcerated unless it actually happens. I didn't. I still don't, in a way, because they're still inside. I do think incarceration makes it hard to process how we actually feel about the person, because the incarceration itself is a violent and awful thing happening to someone we love. For me, it almost suspends my ability to judge what kind of relationship I could have with them going forward.
Thanks for sharing. I can really relate to your story.
I lost my dad to suicide when I was 12. Shortly after he died, I found out more about my family. Apparently, my grandfather went to jail for insurance fraud. It really brought a lot of problems onto the family and I now realized that my dad was probably still reeling from his own father wounds.
I can relate to what its like to have a father relationship pulled out from under you.
I do the best I can to take the good that my dad imparted to me and move forward with it.
It's so hard to reconcile love and heartfelt emotions for a person in your life and then learn if some deep dark secret, or another side of them that existed that you never knew. I think you just do what you are doing and love the version you knew and put up boundaries against that person he hid. You have to protect yourself. Great story.
I feel for you - my heart truly goes out to you. I cannot even imagine trying to deal with this. Life is not fair. We have all made mistakes and bad choices. They do not change that which is good in us. Remember all thst you shared with Arthur that was honest and good. Accept the fact that the disappointments are real, but try to take solace in knowing Arthur never hurt or intended to hurt you. Wishing you a peaceful heart, Dana ...
Thanks so much, Susan. I truly believe he didn't mean to hurt any of us--well, except for all those poor people who got fleeced of their retirements...
Oh, damn, I miss those Rainer cherries, moved to the SW from the NW so long ago I’d forgotten about them.
In season, a man sold them out of his trunk right outside my Shrink’s office, or I never would have known about them. I bought pounds of them each week, ate them all nonstop and shat my brains out!
I think these kind of situations have no clear answers. It's incredibly individual and personal and I agree that we all contain multitudes.
My stepfather attempted to rob a bank by saying he had a bomb. He was sentenced to prison for 13 years. I also wrote him a letter trying to reduce the sentence. I don't think it worked. Before that point, he was kind and generous and good to me and my family. He was pretty much the only father figure I'd ever had. I don't have anything much to offer here besides the fact that I chose to see him as a whole person versus what he done. So I appreciate your piece and this nuance.
WOW, we really do have similar circumstances. I really appreciate you weighing in here--we're a small club (stepdaughters of felons) so we need to stick together. :)
We really do! Thanks for sharing and articulating this highly nuanced situation.
WHOAAA, intense!
How absolutely shattering. I often wonder what we should consider about a person; everything they did wrong, or everything they did right. So many contradictions. Above all, this is a beautifully written piece.
Karen--thanks so much for your kind words about my writing and my circumstances. I so appreciate both!
If the fragments of your story were hung in a mobile, I think most of us would have similar fragments in different arrangements and sizes. They must be archetypes then, yes? That makes them no less painful or confusing, but does explain the awful side of so many fairy tales and myths. I have wondered if we could work backwards from a culture we'd all thrive in, could we adjust those source paradigms to eliminate the evils, the misogyny, racism, and sociopathy? Play with the DNA? Wouldn't that be great? Yes. But I suspect we have to be creating a good world for the DNA to start improving. Meanwhile, yes, the more air all our stories get the less a restraining hold they can have on our lives. Keeping family secrets is quite an unspoken oath (in western cultures, anyway) so it has all continued, up until now.
We all do so much of the work of recovery on our own or in small safe groups before daring to speak beyond that. You'd think we'd have it tamped down to essentials that are manageable, helpful as can be for the world to recognize and begin the process of correction, of reconciliation. But our power is new to us, and a surprise to others. The truth of the matter is often hard for others to bring into focus. Brick walls might be in the way, and in their crumbling the others might throw the broken pieces back in our faces.
I remember early on in therapy being told that our early healthy actions rarely come out with grace. That was well over 40 years ago, and I still often feel like a complete klutz. I have far to go. I haven't lived life in order but I have been lucky to experience most of what I would have chosen without the roadblocks making huge detours. I never thought our society would go backwards though! My sense of security online is pretty flimsy. I say bravo to all who can share freely. I hope to be like all of you when I grow up!
This is just beautiful. Thanks, Eliza!
This one made me think even more than I sometimes want to think. (And I really like to think.) xx
This is the best compliment--thank you!
Thank you for sharing this piece. I don't think anyone knows what they'd do if someone close to them was incarcerated unless it actually happens. I didn't. I still don't, in a way, because they're still inside. I do think incarceration makes it hard to process how we actually feel about the person, because the incarceration itself is a violent and awful thing happening to someone we love. For me, it almost suspends my ability to judge what kind of relationship I could have with them going forward.
I totally get this.
Thanks for sharing. I can really relate to your story.
I lost my dad to suicide when I was 12. Shortly after he died, I found out more about my family. Apparently, my grandfather went to jail for insurance fraud. It really brought a lot of problems onto the family and I now realized that my dad was probably still reeling from his own father wounds.
I can relate to what its like to have a father relationship pulled out from under you.
I do the best I can to take the good that my dad imparted to me and move forward with it.
This is excellent advice--thanks, Lila!
We all have our light and dark sides, but greed is a vice I cannot fathom, esp when it involves scamming other people out of money.
White collar criminals often receive minor penalties. Perhaps that's part of the reason they do what they do.
I would find it difficult to forgive a criminal, even one that had been my step-father.
Dianne--yep. We're aligned here.
It's so hard to reconcile love and heartfelt emotions for a person in your life and then learn if some deep dark secret, or another side of them that existed that you never knew. I think you just do what you are doing and love the version you knew and put up boundaries against that person he hid. You have to protect yourself. Great story.
Thanks so much, Dana! <3
I feel for you - my heart truly goes out to you. I cannot even imagine trying to deal with this. Life is not fair. We have all made mistakes and bad choices. They do not change that which is good in us. Remember all thst you shared with Arthur that was honest and good. Accept the fact that the disappointments are real, but try to take solace in knowing Arthur never hurt or intended to hurt you. Wishing you a peaceful heart, Dana ...
Thanks so much, Susan. I truly believe he didn't mean to hurt any of us--well, except for all those poor people who got fleeced of their retirements...
So interesting, and so well- written
Thanks so much, Ruth.
The contradictions of love. We live with them in the best ways we can.
Oh, damn, I miss those Rainer cherries, moved to the SW from the NW so long ago I’d forgotten about them.
In season, a man sold them out of his trunk right outside my Shrink’s office, or I never would have known about them. I bought pounds of them each week, ate them all nonstop and shat my brains out!
Okay, now lemme go see what you actually said…