Dear Daddy Advice Column May 2025: Am I a Bad Person Because I Can’t Forgive Someone Who Was Cruel to Me Now That They’re Dying?
Our advice columnist talks about the gift of grace—and who, exactly, deserves it
Dear Daddy,
Someone who was truly horrible to me is now on their deathbed. I feel bad that they’re dying—of course I do—but it seems like everyone around me expects me to just sweep their treatment of me under the rug because “they won’t be around much longer.” I’ve been trying to forgive and forget, but honestly, it’s really hard. I’m not sure if I’m a bad person for struggling with this. Am I supposed to be kind to them now just because they’re dying, even if they never made things right?
—Struggling With Grace
Dear Struggling:
No, you are not a bad person. And no, you don’t have to forgive and forget.
Let me tell you a little story…
I’m currently writing this from a bed in a hotel room. Tomorrow I’m attending a wedding with my partner, in which I will meet several members of her family—including an uncle who has said some unkind and downright cruel things to her.
My partner’s mom has asked her, many times, to bury the hatchet with her uncle. If my partner will just apologize to him, everything will be all right.
The idea here is, it’s on my partner to make things right. And let me tell you—it is absolutely the fuck not. It’s on her mom to say to her brother: you are being a dick and also how dare you speak to my child like that? It’s on the uncle to not be a miserable piece of shit.
The truth is, she will never make things right. Because the uncle’s real issue is the fact that my partner is a 1. queer 2. liberal 3. woman who 4. speaks her mind. And yes, as if it even needed to be said, the uncle is a member of the MAGA cult.
My partner will not apologize for who she is, nor should she have to.
This stuff can be weird. Some people think the word “family” transcends trauma, as if shared DNA excuses bad behavior. The idea that we owe things to people who are cruel to us is absurd, related or no, deathbed or no.
I’ve watched my dad become more thoughtful and more caring as he’s grown older. Does he always get it right? No, he does not. Sometimes he says dumb and insensitive shit. But when I call him on it, he listens, and he tries to do better. It’s easy for me to offer him some grace.
Grace isn’t a given. It’s a gift you grant someone.
If someone’s not trying, it gets harder to extend them grace. And sometimes a point arrives that, if a person is so firmly adamant in not trying, then whatever grace you could have offered them is better given to someone else.
Some people, you have to give up on, because there’s a limit on how much of yourself and your mental health you can sacrifice.
I don’t know the dynamics at play here. Maybe this person was horrible to just you. Maybe all those people telling you to reconcile didn’t witness the abuse, and therefore it’s harder for them to grasp (though, shame on them for not hearing you now).
Maybe this person was horrible to everyone, but because everyone else is grieving, they believe death grants a certain degree of amnesty.
Neither scenario here is a good one, and neither requires you to do a damn thing.
So here’s where I’ll leave it:
You have my condolences. Not for this person who has been so horrible to you. My condolences are for you: this is a difficult thing for you to navigate. You deserve love and support that you’re not getting, and I’m sorry that you aren’t. But your feelings matter, and your trauma matters—whatever grace you could have given to this person, I’d like you to save for yourself.
You deserve it.
Have a life or work or sex or dating question that’s causing you some consternation? Email advice columnist Daddy at deardaddyopensecrets@gmail.com. You can also follow him on Bluesky at deardaddyos.bsky.social.
Why do you, of course, feel bad that this person is dying? If he is dying in agony, you might feel sorry. But why? Pain and death come to us all. Ask yourself if you truly wish things were different and this person was in your life not as an enemy but at minimum a neutral? This whole question is between you and you and has nothing to do with whether you are a good person. Most of us are pretty mixed in that department.